Armour's Theatre Presents...: The Sequel

The last batch of Armour's Theatre films will hit your local cinerama screen by Christmas 2010! (Pictures actually from Armour's Meal of the Month File -- undated, though possibly 1950)

(HONEY GLAZED HAM with Fruits)
A still from a documentary about Buckminster Fuller's latest constructions presented in startling 3-D IMAX, Honey Glazed Ham Future.


(BAKED STAR HAM with Cinnamon Orange Slices)
Delicatess N., the invisible charcutière of the rue jambon


(BAKED CORNED BEEF HASH -- Egg and Pickle Garnish)
I saw it over the rim of my cup of joe. It made my eggs, sunny side up, look quaint by comparison. I eyed its egg and pickle garnish, and it eyed me right back with a look that told me that it was not just any old dish of corned beef hash. Yes, I knew this one was different. Sure, I knew better. I could tell that this one was bad. That this one was dangerous and would leave me with nothing but regret. I knew I couldn't trust it farther than I could throw it. But, I've always been a sucker for pickles. And this dish was just my type. Sam Spatula in: I Ate It At Gifford's.


(BAKED STAR HAM SLICE WITH CRUSTED PEARS)
Take me to your roaster! Close Encounters of the Toque Kind


(STAR BACON AND FLUFFY CLOVERBLOOM EGGS)
It's like catnip to every cat in town. Dial CLoverbloom-254, a sultry drama from the writer of Hot Dog and a Tin Roof Sundae. Straight from Broadway to the silver screen.


(ARMOUR'S STAR HAM "MEDITERRANEAN")
Marcello! Salvation and prosciutto don't lie within four walls. Marcello?


(BARBECUED STAR FRANKFURTERS and Star Bacon)
All singing, all dancing, some eating, and no adults!! Beach Afghan Hotdog starring that fab teen couple Frank and Sandy!

Armour's Theatre Presents...

Dipping into the Armour's Meal of the Month File (undated, though the experts of the internet seem to agree that it's from 1950), a collection of savory meat notions, I found that the recipe cards reminded me of these authentic movie posters from the same era. Just try to add these movies to your Netflix queue! What follows is a selection of the meaty movie posters and either the copy from the movie poster or the original voice-over scripts for the film trailers.

The Armours are a family like any other. Mr. Armour is the town's affable fishmonger. Mrs. Armour is an international hand model with exquisite digits. Little Chip Armour is president of McKinley High's philately club, and his older sister Sylvia Armour was voted prettiest in her class. But what their friends and extended family... and each other... don't know is that they are all spies! What you are about to see is classified. Armour's Meal of the Month File: Marie Gifford's Tested Recipes


(STAR SAUSAGES with French Toast Sandwiches)
No one knew what built them or what they meant... Was it some ancient civilization or aliens reaching out for human contact? No one could say... Because only the people of Irrational Fearsville, Nebraska knew that these strange structures even existed! This September, stay away from Glowing Sepulchres!


(BROILED STAR PURE PORK SAUSAGES and Peaches)
Scientists speculated that no living organisms could possibly survive in those murky depths... They were wrong! From the people who brought you That Thing From The Ocean Floor, here's The Thing With Eighteen Legs! Coming to a Red Lobster table near you this fall -- It tastes good with those cheddar cheese buns!


(Star Bacon and Chopped Steak Grill on Toasted Round Buns)
Back in those days before he became a legend, they called him Charr Montgomery. Lone Starr Charr. This is his family's oil refinery way out west. It was his grandaddy's land, and then it was his daddy's land. They say everything's bigger out west, but the west wasn't big enough for Charr. When it came time for him to take over, he sold his family's oil to head out to bigger and brighter things in Hollywood. If there's one thing Lone Starr Charr learned, it's to not sell your land before you actually land a movie role. Lone Starr Charr: it'll make Giant seem downright tiny. Based on a book by Edith Ferber, Edna's younger sister.


(BARBECUED HAM SLICES)
(sung by a chorus of Welsh children): Look to the end of the rainbow and you shall find him there, Hurry to the edge of the rainbow before he vanishes into thin air (He's rare!)! He has a little frog-like body and he has no hair! Look to the end of the colorful arc and you shall find him there! Cecil, the Happiest Monster!


(STUFFED STAR FRANKFURTERS -- STAR BACON)
FRANKS! lights! FRANKS! robots! FRANKS! androids! FRANKS! humanoids! FRANKS! mechanical! FRANKS! brain! FRANKS! Coming soon to a universe near you.


(STAR BACON MEAT ROLL -- Olive Stuffing)
Join the high-spirited adventurers aboard the Nereia in this new sight - sound - and smell extravaganza! Watch as the camera captures the enigmas of the high seas! Hear the gurgling of the ocean waves! Take a whiff of dinner aboard the corsair! Learn from Chef Edward Teach how to prepare this gaping fellow in a step-by-step tutorial that will satisfy every Hungry Buccaneer! Rove the cove then shove in the oven in under 90 minutes (serves 5-6)!

These are only half of the Armour's Theatre movies opening in 2010! Tomorrow you can preview the movies you may anticipate seeing in time for Christmas!

Recipes For Good Eating on Flickr

I don't usually skip Curly Wurly and post cookbook scans straight to Flickr, but Recipes For Good Eating was too beautiful a cookbook to skewer here*. It's a Crisco-sponsored cookbook from 1944. The pictures are so lovely that I had to scan every one, yet they really need no comment. So, if you're interested, why don't you head on over to my Flickr account (I post a lot more frequently there, so feel free to add me as a contact or check there often). Here is a direct link to the set of pictures. Finally, I try to remember to tweet when I post new stuff (or find other interesting things online). Feel free to watch or add me as a friend on Twitter (or Tumblr, for that matter).

* As a side note, I'm planning on posting another cookbook straight to Flickr in a few days (57 Unusual Ways To Serve Spaghetti from c. 1933).

Micromom!

Honey, I Blew Up One Of Our Kids, But I Somehow Shrunk You In The Process Of Blowing Up The One Kid: Baby Adam's Wild Ride is a new Disney 3-D feature taking over theaters on Friday. Probably many of you know that Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, the straight to video release in the Honey... franchise, is Curly Wurly's favorite movie of all time (despite the fact that it's 2-D, or 'flat,' as we call that genre now). A 'new wave' of cinema, ...We Shrunk Ourselves, worked as both a character study and a parable about the ephemeral nature of 'self' in American culture. You probably noticed how the film maker's meticulous attention to both milieu and his interest in the psychology of the main characters established the tremendous dichotomy between the film's central themes of ancient vs. modern; authentic vs. inauthentic; and sacred vs. profane. This series of oppositions was never fully resolved, which explains why film lovers and students of cinema still debate the merits, or lack thereof, of the film.

You can imagine that when Curly Wurly was invited to a sneak preview of the latest in the series, my expectations were huger than a gigantic, ill-tempered baby terrorizing a small town! In this, the final chapter in the Szalinski family saga, Baby Adam (played convincingly by Andy Richter) is blown up by his father's laser at the exact same time as his mother is shrunk to comical size. This should have been a scene brimming with the pathos of the earlier installments in the series, but, disappointingly, it just felt schlocky and overdone. Perhaps it's just been too long since we've seen the Szalinskis to care what size they are anymore, but to this movie critic the scene just didn't work. To me there is little to celebrate about this movie. Unlike the last film, there is hardly any characterization or depth at all. It didn't work as a comedy, a drama, a dramedy, a comeda, or a horror movie! Laughs are few and far between (though, the scene of Baby Adam, a scholar of the 'Of Course, My One Year-Old Can Read' system, reading Anna Karenina got quite a rousing response). There are a few exhilarating car chase scenes (as pictured in the movie poster, above). But, at 107 minutes, the film felt overly long, and the excessive and implausible CGI montages and 3-D scenes didn't add anything to the story. All in all, I think the tagline says it best: we're not s'posed to enjoy this ride. This is by far the worst sequel to Honey I Shrunk The Kids yet! Still, I suspect that this will be the blockbuster of the summer, and it will probably be up for a few Oscars once the awards season rolls around.