Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Master Chef's Outdoor Grill Cookbook

Everyone in my neighborhood has a grill, and, as surely as the night will fall, most summer afternoons and evenings are punctuated with the mouthwatering aroma of grilling foods. What exactly is being grilled may be unknown, but the deliciousness of the smell is indisputable. Since I'm not privy to their grilling menus, I can only imagine if my neighbors are the sort of Master Chefs depicted in The Master Chef's Outdoor Grill Cookbook (1960). The subtitle of the book ('A fine collection of sometimes old and often original ideas and recipes for hearty, happy and even elegant outdoor cookery and entertaining') is rather a tall order, but one look at the cover picture (below) proves the mettle of the true Master Chef: a man of purpose (a hero, if you will) who will stop at nothing to provide morsels of a hearty and delicious nature. Pouring rain, skittish guests who fear the elements, nagging wives, and milquetoast sons can't waver the passion of the Master Chef.

'Kids these days. It seems like only yesterday they're tagging along beside you, telling you, 'Pop, I want to be just like you.' Next thing you know, they're off to college where they get all sorts of ideas. The intellectual mumbo-jumbo those so-called professors feed their impressionable minds. Then they come home and they're like strangers. Look at this picture. I could barely get the boy to hold the umbrella while I grilled the chicken. Look at that scowl, that infernal furled brow! Then there's the neighbors.. If you didn't want to get your fancy gabardine suit wet, buddy, you should have worn Outdoor Grill clothes like mine! Sheesh!'

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm a little morbid. The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture was A Place In The Sun.

It's almost as good as beef. Try some!

Three examples of the sort of miniature grills popular with Master Chefs.

Here the Master Chef sees to the Barbecued Bologna Roll.

That's an artfully arranged grilling area. (That's also a duckling on the spit!)

When I say 'summertime grilling,' you probably just think of franks and hamburgs. That's exactly why you're probably not a Master Chef. This fellow is preparing his Frogs' Legs Feast. Now, that's a treat that can only be followed by Freezer Ice Cream.

Ultimately, this is a pretty strange cookbook. There aren't a whole lot of pictures of the grilled foods. It's mostly men crouching over tiny grills with spindly legs.. or families that seem less than enthused about spending time together, most with their backs to the cameras. It very well might be the most antisocial cookbook I have, which is perhaps why it's so appealing!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Comedy Cringe Festival - Day 7

Welcome to the final night of the weeklong Comedy Cringe Festival live from the Curly Wurly Comedy Wainscotting brought to you in association with the 1968 classic, Baker's Coconut & Chocolate Party Cut-Up Cakes. Thank you for making this a most successful week at the Wainscotting. Tonight we have a surprise for our finale: three acts!

Tonight's Jokers: 'JERRY GIRAFFE,' 'DEER-IE' the REINDEER,' and 'SAILIN' DOWN the BAY'

(Act #13: Jerry Giraffe)

Many make such a fuss about how television is the 'Great Wasteland.' I don't know what they're talking about. I think television is very educational. Every time someone turns one on, I go into another room and read a book!

Speaking of books, I was reading a book today called 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down!

(Act #14: Deer-ie the Reindeer)

People think I just work one night a year. Not true. The rest of the year, I have to take odd jobs. My favorite job was bank teller. I was bringing home $500,000 a week!

(Act #15: Sailin' Down The Bay

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'you drive, and I'll man the guns.'

(Jokes based on Groucho Marx and Tommy Cooper)

Thank you and goodnight!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Comedy Cringe Fest - Day 6

It was a tense day preparing for the penultimate night of the Comedy Cringe Festival. We weren't sure if our first act would make it out tonight in one piece, but we're pleased to say he hasn't thawed yet.

Tonight's Jokers: Here he is, straight out of the freezer, 'MR. SNOWMAN'! And, later.. He doesn't like it when you throw food at him, so please put those loaves of bread away when 'QUACK-QUACK the DUCK' takes the stage!

(Act #11: Mr. Snowman)

How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?

(Act #12: Quack-Quack the Duck)

While I was on safari in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know!

(Some jokes may have been written more or less by Steven Wright and/or Groucho Marx)

Tomorrow's Jokers: We have a triple bill for the last day of the Fest! And they have nothing in common except for their inclusion in the Baker's Coconut & Chocolate Party Cut-Up Cakes cookbook.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Comedy Cringe Fest - Day 5

Well, the Comedy Cringe Festival is winding down, fortunately. I think we've all learned that, no matter how cute the cake is, these cut-ups tell terrible jokes! On that positive note, enjoy tonight's two acts!

Tonight's Jokers: A night of child's play with 'DOLL HOUSE' and 'HOBBY HORSE CAKE'!

(Act #9: Doll House)

I've got the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the freezer.

(Act #10: Hobby Horse Cake)

I goes to the doctor the other day and I says to him, 'Doc, I'm frightened of lapels.' He says to me, 'No wonder! You've got cholera!'

(Some jokes somewhat derived from Spike Milligan)

Tomorrow's Jokers: A quacking duo!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Comedy Cringe Fest - Day 4

The weeklong Comedy Cringe Festival (still live from the Curly Wurly Comedy Wainscotting) (still brought to you in association with the 1968 classic, Baker's Coconut & Chocolate Party Cut-Up Cakes) is at its half-way point!

Tonight's Jokers: How you'll love her! It's 'SWANEE'! The roars will continue with 'DANDY-LION CAKE'!

(Act #7: Swanee)

I met the fellow who invented crosswords today, but I can't remember his name. Let's see.. it's P - something - T - something - R.

(Act #8: Dandy-lion Cake)

I wanted to recite for you folks my favorite poem written by the greatest wordsmith, Percy Dovetonsils, called Leslie The Mean Animal Trainer.

'Leslie worked in a circus
He worked in a great big cage.
He smacked the lions
and beat the bears
and put them all in a rage.

He kicked the lions with iron sneakers
and rolled up army cots.
He put cleaning fluid on all the leopards
and sneered when they lost their spots.

But a chimpanzee got even with him...
Leslie got killed by some smells,
when he stuck his head the lion's mouth
He had liver smeared on his lapels.'

(Percy Dovetonsils poem by Ernie Kovacs)

Tomorrow's Jokers: Bring the kids! It'll be a barrel of monkeys (without the barrel of monkeys)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Comedy Cringe Fest - Day 3

It's a hot night over at the Comedy Cringe Festival, and the lights are especially bright on the Curly Wurly Comedy Wainscotting stage.. so, I'll leave the side-splitting (and slicing) humor to the cut-ups tonight.

Tonight's Jokers: 'ELLA ELEPHANT' and 'TEDDY BEAR'!

(Act #5: Ella Elephant)

I bought a Jaguar for my husband last week. It ripped him to bits!

(Act #6: Teddy Bear)

I don't know, I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Thanks, folks. I've had a wonderful evening -- but this wasn't it!

(Yikes, that's one negative Teddy Bear! Some jokes derived from Tommy Cooper, Groucho Marx.)

Tomorrow's Jokers: One's the king of the jungle, the other is queen of the lake! Both are featured in Baker's Coconut & Chocolate Party Cut-Up Cakes.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Comedy Cringe Festival - Day 2

Tonight is the second night of the weeklong Comedy Cringe Festival live from the Curly Wurly Comedy Wainscotting brought to you in association with the 1968 classic, Baker's Coconut & Chocolate Party Cut-Up Cakes. (I forgot to note that if you click on the images, you'll get a larger view and find more complete cut-up construction instructions!)

Tonight's Jokers: See if you can 'SPOT the FOX TERRIER'! And, don't sue us if you can't stop laughing.. it's 'TORTIE the TURTLE'!

(Act #3: Spot the Fox Terrier)
I love being a dog. We lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

But what is the deal with flea collars?!

(Act #4: Tortie the Turtle)
This truck full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster!

(Note: Some jokes loosely derived from George Carlin, Jerry Seinfeld)

Tomorrow's Jokers: Make sure to get your tickets for Ella and Teddy!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Comedy Cringe Fest - Day 1

Comedians are a thick-heeled bunch who must face nightly criticism flung at them in the form of rotten produce, the occasional projectile, or, more commonly, an insulting barb called a heckle (or sometimes a 'jeckle'). Due to the unforgiving nature of hard-to-please audiences, the stand-up circuit is nearly impossible to break into for most would-be comedians. And if you're a party cake, it's even harder to get any respect. Sure, the crowd loves your sweet frosting and whimsical shape, but once you start to tell jokes, those heckles begin.

But these Baker's Coconut & Chocolate Party Cut-Up Cakes are some real cut-ups -- no hecklers here!

Welcome to the first night of the weeklong Comedy Cringe Festival live from the Curly Wurly Comedy Wainscotting brought to you in association with the 1968 classic, Baker's Coconut & Chocolate Party Cut-Up Cakes. There will be two acts per night, and they are sure to delight! (Note: Two drink minimum.)

Tonight's Jokers: You'll go cocoon over 'BUTTERFLY CAKE'! And, you know who else is funny? 'HONEY of a BUNNY'!

(Act #1: Butterfly Cake)
I was flying in the jungle and there was this monkey with a can opener. I said to him, 'You don't need a can opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the tomato soup!'

(Act #2: Honey of a Bunny)
How do bunnies get from one vegetable garden to another?
They take a taxi cabbage!

Why did the bunnies go on strike?
They wanted a raise in celery!

Tomorrow's Jokers: What has eight legs, a hard shell, and barks? Comedy Cringe Fest's second set of comedians!